This is a list of things I have learned since I started my blog. Or since today, at least. Or maybe a bit before that. Anyway. This is the stuff they don’t teach you in schools, mainly because it’s actually completely useless information that you will probably never use unless you are on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and get a question about one the subjects below, in which case you are very, very lucky.
1. Suspicious green pot noodle stains do not come out of pyjama tops. Ever.
2. Judy Blume’s favourite colour is purple.
3. The Story of Tracy Beaker is regarded as a book everyone should read. Don’t try to tell anyone this, they most likely won’t believe you.
4. If you run through a cinema without any shoes on, people will stare at you.
5. If you eat Ben and Jerry’s after taking a tablet that is strictly not to be taken with dairy, bad things will happen.
6. My bike hates me, and demonstrates this by rattling constantly, jamming itself on the wrong gear, screeching to a halt when it’s supposed to be quiet, not halting at all when it’s supposed to stop, running the back light’s battery down, and dislocating its chain when I’ve got five minutes to get to a restaurant before closing time, thus depriving me of dinner.
7. It’s “pull buoy”. Not “pool buoy”.
8. If you put too much water in them, water filters will show no mercy in taking their revenge on you.
9. You shouldn’t throw away the packet the pasta came in until after you’ve read the instructions.
10. If you attempt to rescue a small, wasp-like insect from drowning in a pool, it may attach itself to your finger. You may then also, in your frantic struggle to remove the insect, accidentally flick it into your swim coach.
11. Hotmail has exciting, all new features! (again)
12. My alter ego name is apparently “Elizabeth Douglas”
13. Swimming breaststroke, in front of somebody else doing backstroke, is just asking to be crashed into.
14. Dragons are well known for their greed and desire to hoard treasures. But so are squirrels.
15. Apple iTunes is completely convinced that, although I read absolutely everything else in English, I still wish to read the Terms and Conditions in Arabic.
16. Taylor Swift’s favourite colour is also purple.
17. Saying “it was justified self-defence” works much better than “he started it”.
18. There is a creepy Spanish game where you have to wander around in the dark and pretend to kill people. It is called “Sangre Y Patatas”. This translates as “blood and”, er, “potatoes”. That makes perfect sense…..
19. In the UK, sea shells are pretty little things you can spend a quiet day collecting on the beach. In Australia, they shoot poison darts at you when you touch them.
20. The new trend is for grapefruit to be flavoured to be like other fruits. e.g strawberry-flavoured grapefruit jam, cranberry flavoured grapefruit juice. “Do you like grapefruit? Do you like other fruits? Well, now you can have both, at the same time as it not tasting like either!”
21. MS Paint is sadistic. Why else would it refuse to let me use the undo button more than 3 times? This is not a game, computer!
22. Blogging wisdom: A post on the blog is worth two in the dashboard.
23. More blogging wisdom: Meaningless categories are bad, but marking every post as “uncategorised” is not much better.
24. Some book authors “strongly advise” that you read the introduction after the main novel. What would help facilitate this would be to have put the so-called “introduction” at the end of the book, instead of the start.
25. You cannot sneeze whilst: A) Keeping your eyes open, B) Keeping your mouth closed, or C) Sleeping.
26. If you type “iceland” into Google, the first website that comes up is for the frozen food specialist.
27. You only ever realise that you desperately need some sort of food or everyday-use item when the local shop is just about to close. Cue frantic cycling and begging the shop assistants to let you in.
28. “More or less” can sound a lot like “moralless”.
29. My blog puts an un-requested and fairly useless extra space between the title of a blog post that has just been published and the rest of the text, only to get rid of the space a short while later. Or maybe I’m imagining things.
30. When you add links to the eponymous category in the WordPress dashboard, you can choose your relationship to the person who runs the link from a list. Subcategories (all, some, or none of which can be chosen) of the “romantic” section include: muse, crush, date, and sweetheart. Does anyone actually use those?
31. Anything is possible – until you take an arrow in the knee.
32. The people playing loud music in the room next door seems to be the one thing capable of annoying yoga instructors.
33. The “humanize” function on WordPress gives you little pieces of information on the number (as in info on the number itself, such as how 5 is a prime) of views you have each day on your blog. This is actually surprisingly educational.
34. I quite often misread the word “Dell” (as in the computers) as “hell”. I realised this when looking through my spam comments today, which were weirdly offering “free laptops from hell”.
35. I get a lot more spam than I used to. Spammers, if you’re listening, please stop it. I assure you, most people who visit this site are not looking for Texan escorts or laptops from hell. At least I hope they’re not.
36. Using the weather as an excuse not to buy jeans doesn’t work very well when it’s winter. Case in point:
Shop assistant: Is that everything?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Shop assistant: You don’t want to buy anything else?
Me: No, thank you.
Shop assistant: What about some jeans [gestures to jeans rack]?
Me: Um, no thanks. It’s getting a bit hot for jeans [said in the middle of winter].
Shop assistant: Oh, are you from Australia?
37. The undeniable key to staying up late and getting work done is a mug of black coffee and non-stop, loud Benny Goodman playing in the background.